I think theres some ask culture vs. guess culture stuff in here too? To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. Ill assume thats the case and check back later. You're very welcome. Because it's funny when friends say they'd only run in chased and we know that's perfect because we could run longer. Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? Im white. Making conversions . 2. Amazing what showering can do for you. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. I always just say What do you have in mind? It hasnt failed me yet! We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. I am on the spectrum, so I would anxiety-spiral about whether, once again, I missed a basic social skill everyone else learned in kindergarten. Since "doing" is an action verb, we need to use the adverb "well" to describe that action. I have strong memories of my MIL telling my husband, shortly after wed married, I need you to clean out the gutters. Or maybe you need to come this weekend and clean out the gutters. I really minded that! If I have to treat her like a grownup, and not like my minor child that I can boss around, she can fucking treat ME like a grownup, and not like her mommy that she takes for granted. They dont really need the details, and wouldnt know what to do with them. That is my current standard response. Answer vaguely. Find an answer. *Both of which are also used as shorthand for all the things you need to get done before you can do the thing you actually intend to do, which is often an accurate description of my evenings. Basically the thing you wrote about duties like babysitting, expanded to fun events. That being said, I am always happy when I get to tell people that I dont answer that question because the answer gets me stereotyped and it keeps us from getting to know each other as individuals. Not everyone in my life always has. There are variants but this one is always appropriate in all situations. My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? Read also. It makes you feel like whatever you do, you are expected to conform to being othered. Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. Shampooing the grass. How about you? might be more the way to communicate what you have in mind. I dislike being asked this question too, except in my case its more that I dont want to be asked this question by coworkers, ever. 1. "You know I can do this anytime.". I hate it when people tell me whats best for me (more plans! Your kids are loud. Me: .No. If someone challenges me on something, my default response is to assume the other person is right and I am wrong. I think we can get trapped in endless circles of soft invitations where neither person ever gets the push to move forward, so Ive tried to get more into the habit of being explicit about a desire for the other person to act. Good, looks like the flowers are coming out (in Spring) after Ive made my piece clear. How are you? I hope this email finds you well. Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. Now, when someone asks, I reply, Im not sure what Ill be in the mood for. If someone responds with an offer of plans, I can then say, Nice! Speaking about sudden change of moods and plans, and friends getting you: Several years ago, at the phone, ten minutes before a scheduled meeting with my friends in a pub to watch the incoming results of the Brexit referendum. All of these. Yep yep yep. It can often be an explain why youre a POC kind of thing in many countries with white majorities, and seen as a whole (its a super widespread phenomenon) it shows how far away our societies are from truly accepting themselves are diverse. The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". "It's happening.". Just make sure to follow these three rules for sending Tinder messages: Keep it PG-13, even on Tinder. But it can still be frustrating to deal with. I think this is a lot clearer in other contexts. A little of this, a little of that. I dont know why shes not a foreign diplomat with all the people she can bring together. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). *drops a house on MLM guy*, Heh. ' If you ' re studying, doing homework or anything else you deem daunting, this is a great text to send your crush. Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? Everyone else usually stops after the how-are-yous are exchanged. See also: people who wont pick a restaurant, when the answer to every question is whatever you want.***. My vote is toss her out and let her adult. I honestly dont know how young people are functioning as well as they are, given that. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. E- Enjoying. For an acquaintance, depends. I particularly enjoyed the bergamot top notes in the. Ive been known to do that to friends, since Im one of those people who freaks out when I hit the wrong key and the computer does something unexpected. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. Him: Nothing at all? I have friends who grew up in Poland but have been UK citizens for decades at the tops of their highly-respected professions. And Im totally ok with that. See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. @TootsNYC Just wanted to say that I really like the phrasing you spell out in your first comment, in that youre acknowledging that youre making a request for your daughters time and effort. What are you doing for dinner? For example, while my wife and I are paying with a credit card after having Saturday morning breakfast, and while the receipt is printing out, the cashier will say, So, you guys got any good plans for the weekend?. Oh man.I think this sort of thing bugs me because my dad very carefully taught me to ask/invite people for a specific activity/time precisely to avoid this scenario. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. Well see you at other time, but not in the morning.. If that's not a good enough answer for them, walk away, because there's nothing more you can say. Apologize IMMEDIATELY and never ask me that again!. Im from here. When its done as the pre-request, I get really annoyed that the person wont just ask me directly. Darn, my wife wants me home early [so we can watch Netflix on the couch with our cat].. Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. Ill do it anyway, but saying it that way doesnt make it somehow not an order, Mom! to add: I think if there are people youre close to who do this a lot, like your sister, you can just tell them its a small thing but it bugs you and can they please ask a different way. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? I understand theyre looking for an ice breaker, but its not that interesting to talk about Ill probably get to laundry if Im not too lazy. I wish there was another common conversation starter among people you already know. With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. Its okay that I struggle with anxiety. I thought why do you ask? meant you are being nosy. Setting a timer or alarms. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. you said you had no plans! you into babysitting or helping them with yardwork, they just want to ask you a fun, low-stakes question. For grocery store cashiers, I keep the answer short: Wet, on a rainy day, or Need more coffee this one particularly for coffee shop baristas, who probably hear it too often. Clearly, I am not giving him the answer he wants, but I dont particularly want to keep having the conversation. I wish the day also comes with a lot of fun and blessing for you. Oh, yes, white supremacy/racism in action. Thank you!!! It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. Dont do that to a friend. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. 3. E- Excitement. This way, you are always busy when those people ask. There are a couple of questions my Mother asks that trigger a Pavlovian eye-roll from me because I know they are invariably followed by a request for a favor, to the point where if someone else asks me the same question in a totally innocuous way, I still react to it. .except I have a ton of folks in my life who literally ask this to trap me into doing things for them, so thinking their intent is innocuous after being shown time and again it isnt, doesnt necessarily fit the bill- specifically based on the reasoning LW gives. But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. (this one may not be my wheelhouse anyway, no translation needed. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. Figuring out how my plans fit together is my problem, not anyone elses. Fine, thanks.. 1. And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. This is something that consistently bothers me too although in my case its more just that I dont want to answer that question with my coworkers ever. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. I never thought about the fact that some people might be actually trying to relieve the pressure! I actually liked her kid, and if shed just said she needed a sitter instead of tricking me into it, I wouldnt have minded babysitting.I ended up filling that child with sugar and caffeinated soda (he had a grand time), and forever answering Im so busy, ugh to all future questions about my plans. If people cant come, you still have plans with the one friend! Based on your listed interests, it looks like we have a lot in common. If an acquaintance asks How are you? and I answer and ask back like I do at home, am I way off? (A couple of these people suuuucked like, I thought I was safe with studying until a couple of people started telling me that that was interesting because we were in the same classes and they just ~got the material better~ and didnt need to study at all this week. But I dont think you can compare me to your dad. Does that mean that these women would get constant requests for free tech support? I would think that if one is up to the point of having to plan food, one would have also issued a direct invitation? Seriously, both she and my sister are true extroverts, bless them, which is why I use the term hyper-social weirdos to describe them. But, I think the conclusion there is, thats not on me. There is a normal-question-asking prosody, where the words get successively higher in pitch. 18. My ILs do this. I like to use Oh, you know, just some of the usual weekend stuff. I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! I am admittedly very sensitive to potential power issues, so I have a hard time seeing when theyre really there and when Im just reacting as though they are. LW has a LOT of reason to be bugged by this approach to seeking a date it carries a hefty implied threat because of what abusive men in our society have built it into en masse. Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. Source: Facebook. Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. Anyway, the grad students said one woman asked, How do you think she got like that? and others nodded with pursed lips, agreeing that there was something wrong there. You know the people youre interacting with and their likely motivations better than we do, of course, and definitely use the Captains scripts and bat the ball back across the net with I dont know, how about you? But I wonder if it would help to make these interactions less frustrating for you if you tried not to think of them as someone trying to get something from you that you dont want to give. I honestly dont even know why people say it at all when Ive never seen a follow-up to it. When I asked him later, What the heck? There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. The only tricky part I have encountered so far is if you actually say you are busy doing [thing] and instead have planned to watch the Winter Olympics with your cat, perhaps do not write an update about that to Facebook. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. Sometimes I think if Im going to make something up it might as well be along the lines of going to the moon or whatever. I might be up for casual after work hangs but not going clubbing in that sketchy bar across town. What are you doing tomorrow? Vacuuming the cat. Although I do the opposite: Im ALWAYS busy/have to work, when certain people ask. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". . Just kind of wanting to converse by text or something. Thats just how some people ask I suppose. No, just running some errands. Its usually along the lines of what are you doing on April 17th? Of course I dont likely have plans that far away, and I feel tricked into committing to be his date for some boring thing on a precious Saturday evening. Was he not getting back to her soon enough? As others have mentioned, if I say yes Im free and then they offer something I dont want, then I *really* feel the pressure to say yes because Ive already essentially told them I have nothing better to do. They have the right to call on us and expect us to come through. Unless youre at the stage of an established friendship where you have agreed to get together for dinner every other Saturday, or are discussing plans for the next visit to your long-distance sweetie during this visit, any actual social plan is only going to happen after someone risks discovering that the other person is less interested than they are. It is handy because it has a friendly tone of I dont want to go into detail while still participating in the conversation.